Carol and Dani, originally uploaded by Aldon.

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

In the nineties, I was working as a technology manager for a large international bank. I often found myself flying to Zurich to negotiate technology strategy. New York and Zurich were more than four thousand miles and a six hour flight apart. They were cultures apart. I was working with a group of open source gunslingers committed to Unix and writing their own special programs and I was flying to a very staid Microsoft worshipping community.

To help me better navigate these waters, I hired a management consultant who had her Ph.D is psychoanalysis and specialized in a psychoanalytic understanding of groups, especially as they formed in the workplace. This appealed to my natural curiosity and I learned a lot, not only from our meetings but from so much reading that I did on the subject on the side.

I started reading the work of Wilfred Bion and attending Group Relations conferences where I participated in experiential learning in large groups. I became fascinated with how this worked itself out online.

This led me to joining several mailing lists of people working with groups, including a group psychotherapy mailing list. Many of the people on this list became close friends whom I would meet from time to time.

I often brought up aspects of online groups on the list, including discussing Second Life from time to time. It seems to me as if Second Life and related virtual worlds have the potential to be great platforms for psychodrama. As a general rule, I met opposition on these topics. However, a few people were very interested, and one actually joined Second Life and started exploring the possibilities.

We met in Second Life and explored the possibilities. I introduced her to friends in Second Life with similar interests. Then, at the 2008 American Group Psychotherapy Association (AGPA) Annual Conference, I had the opportunity to meet her face to face and have a wonderful dinner with her talking about not only Second Life and psychotherapy, but many other issues as well. We both participated in the large group at the AGPA and she encouraged my full participation, even though I was a blogger there to write, instead of a group psychotherapist honing their skills.

Then, early this year, there was the bombshell. On January 23rd, Carol checked into St. John's Mercy hospital with severe anemia. A visit to an Oncologist and some bone marrow tests revealed Acute myeloid leukemia (AML). In the message, it was predicted that the treatment would take about eight months.

Look out of any window
any morning, any evening, any day
Maybe the sun is shining
birds are winging or
rain is falling from a heavy sky -
What do you want me to do,
to do for you to see you through?
this is all a dream we dreamed
one afternoon long ago

I wrote my initial reactions in a blog post, The Great Dance back in February, and then again in Random Stuff about a week later. The following month there was a drive to sign up bone marrow donors in Connecticut. I realized that it was unlikely that I would be a match for Carol, or for Manny who the drive was for, but I thought I should sign up in case I could be a match for someone.

It was also during this time that Irv Stolberg died from leukemia. There was a wonderful memorial for Irv where his son singing Ben Harper’s “with my own two hands”.

I can change the world
With my own two hands
Make a better place
With my own two hands
Make a kinder place

In many ways, it seems like Irv and Carol would have been good friends and kindred spirits if they ever met.

Carol eventually found a donor, and we were optimistic. There was progress and there were set backs. In August she was back in the hospital and wrote about Graft Versus Host disease. In September, she wrote about celebrating her 63rd birthday. Then at the beginning of this week came more bad news. The leukemia was back. There were messages on CaringBridge and emails to the Group Psychotherapy mailing list. She was at home with her family and with Hospice. She was fading fast. I wrote some of my reactions on Monday.

I am standing on the edge of the water,
And I am watching the wild birds fill the sky.
And I am longing to be lifted up among them.
I am not dying, I’m getting ready to fly

The words of a great song “Getting Ready to Fly” by Calaveros comes mind. Yesterday, Carol was lifted up among the wild birds and she is flying.

During the final hours as we all waited, Peter Howie posted a wonderful collection of YouTube videos that he had watched as he processed his own anticipatory grief.

He started with Free Hugs Campaign - Official Page (music by Sick Puppies.net ) and moved on through the AMV Final Fantasy - Snow Patrol Run, a clip from Blade Runner, The Last Day On Earth Lyrics- Kate Miller-Heidke and Fortress – Dala.

To this, I add sarah mclachlan - i will remember you and Grateful Dead - Box of Rain - March 24 1986.

As I was thinking about all of this, I found A thousand words writing prompt number thirty-eight. The emptiness, looking out of a window to a box of rain captured many of the feelings I am going through right now.

Today is another beautiful sunny autumn day in Connecticut. I have a lot of work to do, but I need to take time to remember. Carol, I will remember you.