As I take the train home from Washington, DC, I get the news that Marriage Equity has passed in New Hampshire. I was staying with friends in DC who happen to be gay, and at the conference, I spent a bit of time with another friend who is gay. As I spoke with all of them, a common theme emerged and it points to the real threat of gay marriage.

I live in Connecticut where everyone has had the same rights to marriage for a while now, and the world has not ended. I know of no mixed-sex marriages that have ended as a result of marriage equity, and the idea of that seems a tad ridiculous.

I just can’t see Buck coming home from a gay marriage ceremony and saying to his wife, “Susie, the best man at Sebastian and Theodore’s wedding was really hot. He propositioned me several times and I turned him down each time, but I just couldn’t say no to proposition eight, so I’m heading down to Costa Rica with him.”

No, the real threat of gay marriage is similar to the threat that members of the SDS made back in the sixties. We will become like you. My friend at the conference and his partner have adopted two kids. He is on the PTA now and goes on field trips with his kid’s class. The friends I stayed with are hoping to adopt kids themselves.

Adoption has always been presented as an alternative to abortion, but the idea of gays adopting children might just be enough to make some conservatives heads explode. To make it worse, what if gay couples adopt the ‘quiverfull’ philosophy and start adopting a dozen kids each. The impact could be overwhelming.

They will join the PTAs and boards of education and encourage schools to add “Heather Has Two Mommies” and “Remembrance of Things Past” to the curriculum. Kids of straight couples will come home and say, “Mom, how come you always feed me baloney and Twinkees, but Thaddeus always gets fun food like tabouli and Madelienes?”

If America’s consumption of baloney decreases, that will only hurt conservative talk radio hosts. That, in turn is likely to hurt big pharmaceutical sales of Oxycontin. The next thing you know, you’re doctor will stop pushing as much traditional medications and will start suggesting things like aromatherapy.

So, don’t worry about your husband leaving you for some hot young stud at a gay marriage. But, if you love baloney and twinkees and if you don’t want the smell of lavender oil wafting through your house reducing your stress level, be afraid, be very afraid.