Rae, Fiona and Sarah, originally uploaded by Aldon.

A few years ago, we were heading up to a family reunion. As we explained the purpose of our trip to Fiona, she asked, “Who died?” Our extended family gathers too rarely, and typically only at funerals, which over the past few years have been a bit too frequent. We told this story at our most recent family reunion, the wake and funeral for my Uncle Fred.

Fiona is getting older now, and she understands these events better. She went over and gave Uncle Fred’s oldest granddaughter a great big hug saying it looked like she needed one. Fiona understands very well the importance of grandparents in people’s lives.

Later, at my cousin’s house, she came to understand that this was a cousin she had hugged. In this case, a second cousin, a nuance few understand or really care all that much about. For Fiona, what mattered is that she found new cousins to play with, and there are few things as important to her as playing with her cousins.

Everyone seemed to have a good time, and it made me think a bit more about the family dynamics. I’ve always felt a little awkward and out of place at our family gatherings. My mother was the youngest of seven children, and I was her next to youngest child. This meant that all of my cousins on my mother’s side were older than me, and I always felt like my older cousins viewed me as either a toy or an annoyance. Neither role was one that I particularly enjoyed.

This time, however, things felt different. We talked about what a hard year 2007 had been for so many of us. We laughed about cellphones that had been dropped in chicken soup, we talked about healthcare and politics, and as Fiona played on the couch with her cousins, we were all family.

I will miss Uncle Fred, though probably not as much as his children and grandchildren will. I thought of the great line from John Donne.

any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.

All of us are diminished by the passing of Uncle Fred. Yet as I listened to his granddaughter talk about how much he will be missed, I reflected on how we all carry part of Uncle Fred with us. For Rae, Uncle Fred was that part of the family where there was always compassion, forgiveness, a caring hand to help, and a smile to laugh. We all need people like that in our lives.

So, what I take away from this funeral is that while I can never become the father or grandfather to my cousins that they have lost in the passing of Fred, I can at least try to bring some of his compassion, forgiveness, caring and laughter to them, and to everyone I meet. We can all do that, and take the tolling of the bell of sadness and transform it to peals of joy. I will do my part, will you do yours?

So, Fiona will enjoy playing with her cousins, and to these cousins, I say, “I am here to help in whatever way I can.’

Rest in Peace, Uncle Fred.